Self worth

January 11, 2018

Resolutions in Recovery

I am not a resolution lady nor have I ever really been one. Why? Well I don’t want to hold myself to expectations for my own personal recovery purposes. You see I am a little bit of a perfectionist.. but who isn’t! With a new year brings many people constantly talking about improving themselves whether it be in there personal life, recovery, fitness, and so on.

So as I have been hearing all of this talk I think it is important for people in recovery or trying to obtain recovery to use the new year as a jumping point. There is no need to set the expectations high or to make these crazy, unattainable resolutions. The only thing that needs to be done is honor your progress and continue to set goals that are recovery focused.

For me, I need categories. Categories give me organization to simplify what needs to be done and where I can shift my focus. So this year I am setting an overall goal, monthly goals which include: mental, physical, and social goals. And then rewards for those goals. I will be updating with a blog post on these goals and the progress they have made. But please, be gentle with yourself. There is no need to shame yourself for either not obtaining your goals or losing sight of an over arching goal. PATIENCE IS KEY!

January Goals:

Over arching goal: Remind myself of the little moments of life. Honor the happy moments and remember why you started.

Mental: Relax, not everything is perfect. Blog at least once a week and be honest and open.

Physical: Honor the training and how your body feels with each day. DONT OVER DO IT!

Social: Surround myself with people that bring positivity. Reach out to those struggling and those in recovery.

What are some of your goals this year and month?

Riles

December 29, 2017

Holiday Blues

The holidays are supposed to bring families together and connected with memories. Although this year is different. You might be physically present but you aren’t mentally here with me. I’m trying to tell you that this pain you are bringing me is forcing me back into old habits…. but you don’t listen or seem to care.

On Christmas you left us. You left and didn’t even think twice about it. Why? Why is she better than us? Why don’t you love us like you used to? The thoughts of perfection and worth are at an all time high and yet you drop me like a sac of potatoes. Like I am trash and you are better off without us in your life. And maybe you are. Maybe we shouldn’t care as much as we do. Maybe we should treat you how you treat us.

I’m drowning in pain and depression and you couldn’t care any less. I wish you would see how your actions are tearing our family apart and drastic measures are in route. As we went to visit mom you didn’t even stay for 2 minutes. Why is that? Why is it that you are a completely different person and care giver than you were before? I miss you but I don’t think you miss me.

I see other families and how honest they are with each other. But you lie and your lies are turning your children against you. They are bringing out the worst in us and I’m fearful of where my mind and body are taking me. I hate to blame you, but maybe these drastic measures are the only way that you will see how much pain you are causing us.

December 16, 2017

I’m screaming loud.

I’m screaming loud.

As loud as I fucking can.

But you cant hear me.

Or can you and you aren’t listening?

I’m purposefully messing up, wanting you to say something

wishing desperately that you would see the pain that I’m in and help me.

But you don’t.

My body is dying for you to just notice.

Notice the tiny moments of struggle that turn into months of relapse

But you don’t.

My mind is wondering why you don’t care anymore

or even if you ever cared.

Do you?

My mouth speaks words of light and recovery.

But these are just lies.

Lies that you believe and carry with you.

My feet keep running.

Running from the pain that wont leave.

But the only thing its running towards is loneliness.

My eyes go straight to the imperfections.

They analyze every detail and curve.

But do you notice?

I’m screaming loud.

As loud as I fucking can.

But you cant hear me.

-Riles

March 10, 2017

Yes, but….

Oh the yes, but…

How so many of us this phrase when we are too people pleasing to say a direct no but want our way in the end. For example, your friend asks you to go out for ice cream. You are scared and anxious about this outing so instead of saying no you just say “Yes I would love to, but I have x, y, and z going on”.

This phrase is not limited to just food or things related to the eating disorder, I can say I am guilty of using this with just about everything. When we say “yes, but” what are we really saying?

I had this discussion with my therapist this past week and came to a little bit of a revelation. When we say “yes, but” or the infamous “I know” we aren’t actually accepting the circumstance or decision at hand. So when your friend tells you it may be helpful to go out for ice cream and you reply back with “I know”…. do you really know?

At least for me I think many of us still want to hold on to as much control of our lives as possible. Even if it is just the simplest little decision. So when we say “yes, but” or “I know” we aren’t actually allowing ourselves to grow. Now don’t get me wrong we don’t want to go into full blaze people pleasing mode but we need to relax the reins and let life happen.

Remind yourself that full control can be harmful, especially in the early stages of recovery. No matter how much I want to be “normal” I know in the back of my mind that I cannot handle every step of the way.

Its time to start saying just “yes” and to actually “know”.

February 11, 2017

Shut the Hell Up ED: logical vs ED thoughts

It’s weird to think that there is life beyond the self critiquing and the race to perfection. I think for many of us, it has been a life long process of fighting these thoughts to live a “normal” life.

As I sit here, enjoying the beautiful weather, I cant help but think about how simple and easier life would be if we could just let go. Just ignore the constant hatred towards ourselves and admire life for what it is.

I’m not one that is normally big into the mushy gushy stuff, but in this moment I feel at peace. Shoot, its 70 degrees in February, I’m petting my dog, and for once life isn’t being a roller coaster.

Ultimately, why should I be hating myself or telling myself that I’m not “doing” enough? I mean I wouldn’t tell my friends that they weren’t doing recovery perfectly, or sitting down writing a blog post was a waste, or even that they ate too much!

This past week my therapist and I were discussing the difference between normal thoughts and anorexia thoughts. At least for me sometimes I get confused with what is a logical thought or plan and what is eating disorder driven.

She explained it in steps:

  1. Acknowledge any thought as just a thought, NOT a command or a “have to”. These need to be things that you choose to do or not.
  2. Ask yourself, is this thought escalating into a much bigger plan?
  3. Are you feeling anxious about this thought?
  4. Now here’s the big one…. Would you ask someone you respect about this thought? Or carry this thought out in front of someone you respect?

I think breaking it down into these categories can be helpful to combat against those thoughts that may seem oh so appealing to you at the time. And maybe it might even be helpful to text a friend that is also in recovery and get their opinion.

Don’t let an Eating Disorder control your life anymore than it already has. Take those reins and lead because you deserve a life of greatness and pride!

 

 

February 3, 2017

“This is such an accomplishment!”

Hearing the phrases “You’ve come so far!”, “This is such an accomplishment”, and “I’m so proud of you” in theory should be rewarding and a sense of recovery. However, what if it feels uncomfortable and its hard to accept that recognition?

Recently, (after 2 years), I began competing again for my college in indoor track. This was obviously an exciting step forward and I am loving every minute of it. But…. the amount of recognition and praise is anxiety provoking for me. I have no idea how to take it because quite frankly I’m not sure if it is something that should be praised.

I have been struggling with the idea of seeing recovery as something that is an expectation of me rather than a great life accomplishment. Logically, I can tell myself that recovering from Anorexia is hard work and that I should give myself a little break. However, lately the perfection piece has had a firm grasp on my path to recovery.

I want so badly to keep every aspect in this tight, little perfect box. I somehow think that by doing this nothing in my life will get ugly, like it used to be. Again, logically I know this is untrue and life will always throw me curve balls.

I discussed this with my therapist not to long ago and she told me the phrase “Would you tell your friends from treatment that recovery isn’t a big deal?” “Would you tell them it is an expectation?” And OF COURSE I WOULDNT! Because seeing my friends recover and live extraordinary lives is what I pray for.

Maybe this is the starting point. Reminding myself that the little voice in my mind telling me recovery is no big deal, is that ugly voice that leads to self hate, starvation, and depression.

 

October 2, 2016

Dear Riles

Dear Riles,

How have you been? Lately, it seems like you have been sad and isolated. I’m just worried about you and your recovery.

The thoughts you have been thinking lately seem pretty dark and hurtful. Just relax, its okay to slip up and its okay if some people dont like you. Dont let petty things ruin your progress.

Can’t you see that light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer? You’re almost there! So…. why are you climbing back into that hole?

Remind yourself of all the progress you have made and all the people that love you. It is not worth turning back now. I promise you YOU CAN do it. Keep moving forward.

I know its easier said than done and the battle just keeps getting harder but it will pay off in the end. Remember what mom used to say, “I like you and I love you. There is nothing you can do for me to stop loving you.” She is hear with you. Dont let her down.

Love always,

Riles

P.S. It is okay to stand up for yourself once in awhile. Remember that. 

October 2, 2016

I’m sorry

I’m sorry I have an eating disorder.

I’m sorry that every day I struggle with the insecurities and worthlessness to society.

I’m sorry that I over step my boundaries in trying to please you.

I’m sorry that I cry, a lot.

I’m sorry that every time you seem upset in any way I blame myself for not being able to take your pain away or even stopping it in the first place.

I’m sorry that I believe I can never be good enough. That no matter what I won’t ever be able to live up to your standards.

I’m sorry I think and plan until I stress everyone out.

I’m sorry that I’ll never be the person you thought I would be.

I’m sorry for the wasted time.

And lastly, I’m sorry for being sorry.

September 30, 2016

NEDA walk 2016

Yesterday I participated in my city’s first ever NEDA walk. It was by far such an encouraging and uplifting experience.

I was able to reconnect with friends from past treatment facilities as well as meet some strong young ladies with inspirational stories.

As I was talking and sharing stories with others I realized how incredible it was that a college town was able to put on such an event and raise awarenesss of eating disorders.

With that being said, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss how raising awareness can be such a blessing.

I know from my past experience and journey the hardest part was getting people to understand what it was like. Hell, its still the hardest part! NEDA walks give people a way to show 1. How many others struggle with the same illness and 2. That there is help and that we are trying! 

It was amazing to see how many supporters and family members were there to encourage recovery and learn more about what their warrior was going through.

I highly encourage everyone and anyone to participate in their towns NEDA walk. Its an experience full of connections, recovery, and fun! 14502956_10207644468173263_1192012539496262802_n

September 2, 2016

Self- worth

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
– Stacey Charter

 

Throughout my life I have always been taught that others come first. That the meaning of life is to help people, to make people happy. In the grand scheme of things this is a valuable lesson and something that is overall a good trait to have…. until it becomes the center of your self worth.

When I think of my own self worth I always base it off of how many people I can make happy. This meaning that if someone seems to be upset, sad, mad, or even just a little quiet I take it upon myself to “fix” the problem. The issue with this trait is that in many occasions there was not a problem to begin with, nor was it my fault at all.

My mind goes in a viscus cycle of observing someones “unhappy” behavior, feeling the need to please or fix the problem, then the feeling of guilt that I did something wrong and they dont love me anymore, and finally worthlessness.

Ultimately my reasoning part of my brain knows that this people pleasing and mind reading cycle is ridiculous; but no matter what, when someone gets upset you better believe I will put the guilt on myself.

After discussing this with my therapist, she asked me to think about what rights and worth I do have just as being a human being. As I thought about this I came up with a list of some obvious ones but some that maybe I need to remind myself of.

 

I have the right to….

  • vote
  • attend school
  • drink alcohol (I’m 21, don’t worry!)
  • care about others
  • have friends
  • make bad choices
  • run
  • nourish myself
  • make decisions
  • LIFE
  • HAVE FEELINGS and OPINIONS

Obviously these are just a few from the list, but I think it is important to remember the rights we all do have. At least for me, I always get caught up in the worthiness piece and having the feeling of not deserving to have a good life.

This aspect of my recovery is in process. But recovery is messy, and it will take time. But it is worth it.

– Riles