recovery

January 11, 2018

Resolutions in Recovery

I am not a resolution lady nor have I ever really been one. Why? Well I don’t want to hold myself to expectations for my own personal recovery purposes. You see I am a little bit of a perfectionist.. but who isn’t! With a new year brings many people constantly talking about improving themselves whether it be in there personal life, recovery, fitness, and so on.

So as I have been hearing all of this talk I think it is important for people in recovery or trying to obtain recovery to use the new year as a jumping point. There is no need to set the expectations high or to make these crazy, unattainable resolutions. The only thing that needs to be done is honor your progress and continue to set goals that are recovery focused.

For me, I need categories. Categories give me organization to simplify what needs to be done and where I can shift my focus. So this year I am setting an overall goal, monthly goals which include: mental, physical, and social goals. And then rewards for those goals. I will be updating with a blog post on these goals and the progress they have made. But please, be gentle with yourself. There is no need to shame yourself for either not obtaining your goals or losing sight of an over arching goal. PATIENCE IS KEY!

January Goals:

Over arching goal: Remind myself of the little moments of life. Honor the happy moments and remember why you started.

Mental: Relax, not everything is perfect. Blog at least once a week and be honest and open.

Physical: Honor the training and how your body feels with each day. DONT OVER DO IT!

Social: Surround myself with people that bring positivity. Reach out to those struggling and those in recovery.

What are some of your goals this year and month?

Riles

December 29, 2017

Holiday Blues

The holidays are supposed to bring families together and connected with memories. Although this year is different. You might be physically present but you aren’t mentally here with me. I’m trying to tell you that this pain you are bringing me is forcing me back into old habits…. but you don’t listen or seem to care.

On Christmas you left us. You left and didn’t even think twice about it. Why? Why is she better than us? Why don’t you love us like you used to? The thoughts of perfection and worth are at an all time high and yet you drop me like a sac of potatoes. Like I am trash and you are better off without us in your life. And maybe you are. Maybe we shouldn’t care as much as we do. Maybe we should treat you how you treat us.

I’m drowning in pain and depression and you couldn’t care any less. I wish you would see how your actions are tearing our family apart and drastic measures are in route. As we went to visit mom you didn’t even stay for 2 minutes. Why is that? Why is it that you are a completely different person and care giver than you were before? I miss you but I don’t think you miss me.

I see other families and how honest they are with each other. But you lie and your lies are turning your children against you. They are bringing out the worst in us and I’m fearful of where my mind and body are taking me. I hate to blame you, but maybe these drastic measures are the only way that you will see how much pain you are causing us.

December 16, 2017

I’m screaming loud.

I’m screaming loud.

As loud as I fucking can.

But you cant hear me.

Or can you and you aren’t listening?

I’m purposefully messing up, wanting you to say something

wishing desperately that you would see the pain that I’m in and help me.

But you don’t.

My body is dying for you to just notice.

Notice the tiny moments of struggle that turn into months of relapse

But you don’t.

My mind is wondering why you don’t care anymore

or even if you ever cared.

Do you?

My mouth speaks words of light and recovery.

But these are just lies.

Lies that you believe and carry with you.

My feet keep running.

Running from the pain that wont leave.

But the only thing its running towards is loneliness.

My eyes go straight to the imperfections.

They analyze every detail and curve.

But do you notice?

I’m screaming loud.

As loud as I fucking can.

But you cant hear me.

-Riles

May 20, 2017

Summer Survival: ED edition

Oh summer.. how this time of year brings many of us great joy and excitement it also brings anxiety, depression, and a high risk for relapse.

For me, summer break has always been extremely difficult and a time where old habits and behaviors float to the surface and life becomes hard. The overall lack of structure, diet talk, and types of clothing that are worn is what always seems to be my struggle.

This summer I WILL NOT repeat my mistakes. I WILL get out of my comfort zone and trust the process.. no matter how scary the unknown result may be. I’ve put together a survival list for staying on track for recovery through the next summer months!

  1. Give yourself credit for the little accomplishments. This is especially important for your self- care and motivation. Little accomplishments of getting out of bed in the morning are important. You’ve come this far, keep going!
  2. Challenge yourself weekly. In the recovery process I think it is important to continue moving forward in order to make progress. Create small weekly goals such as getting breakfast with a friend in the morning, going to the beach or waterpark, wear an outfit that you love but may make you feel anxiety.
  3. Share your struggle. Whether its with a close friend, therapist, coach, or parent it is important to let it out. ED will continue to fester your thinking if you hold your struggles in and try to hide them. When in doubt let it out!
  4. Have fun. Summer is a time where you are supposed to enjoy yourself. Don’t let the anxiety or ED thoughts keep you from being happy. You deserve to get out and live life.
March 10, 2017

Yes, but….

Oh the yes, but…

How so many of us this phrase when we are too people pleasing to say a direct no but want our way in the end. For example, your friend asks you to go out for ice cream. You are scared and anxious about this outing so instead of saying no you just say “Yes I would love to, but I have x, y, and z going on”.

This phrase is not limited to just food or things related to the eating disorder, I can say I am guilty of using this with just about everything. When we say “yes, but” what are we really saying?

I had this discussion with my therapist this past week and came to a little bit of a revelation. When we say “yes, but” or the infamous “I know” we aren’t actually accepting the circumstance or decision at hand. So when your friend tells you it may be helpful to go out for ice cream and you reply back with “I know”…. do you really know?

At least for me I think many of us still want to hold on to as much control of our lives as possible. Even if it is just the simplest little decision. So when we say “yes, but” or “I know” we aren’t actually allowing ourselves to grow. Now don’t get me wrong we don’t want to go into full blaze people pleasing mode but we need to relax the reins and let life happen.

Remind yourself that full control can be harmful, especially in the early stages of recovery. No matter how much I want to be “normal” I know in the back of my mind that I cannot handle every step of the way.

Its time to start saying just “yes” and to actually “know”.

February 11, 2017

Shut the Hell Up ED: logical vs ED thoughts

It’s weird to think that there is life beyond the self critiquing and the race to perfection. I think for many of us, it has been a life long process of fighting these thoughts to live a “normal” life.

As I sit here, enjoying the beautiful weather, I cant help but think about how simple and easier life would be if we could just let go. Just ignore the constant hatred towards ourselves and admire life for what it is.

I’m not one that is normally big into the mushy gushy stuff, but in this moment I feel at peace. Shoot, its 70 degrees in February, I’m petting my dog, and for once life isn’t being a roller coaster.

Ultimately, why should I be hating myself or telling myself that I’m not “doing” enough? I mean I wouldn’t tell my friends that they weren’t doing recovery perfectly, or sitting down writing a blog post was a waste, or even that they ate too much!

This past week my therapist and I were discussing the difference between normal thoughts and anorexia thoughts. At least for me sometimes I get confused with what is a logical thought or plan and what is eating disorder driven.

She explained it in steps:

  1. Acknowledge any thought as just a thought, NOT a command or a “have to”. These need to be things that you choose to do or not.
  2. Ask yourself, is this thought escalating into a much bigger plan?
  3. Are you feeling anxious about this thought?
  4. Now here’s the big one…. Would you ask someone you respect about this thought? Or carry this thought out in front of someone you respect?

I think breaking it down into these categories can be helpful to combat against those thoughts that may seem oh so appealing to you at the time. And maybe it might even be helpful to text a friend that is also in recovery and get their opinion.

Don’t let an Eating Disorder control your life anymore than it already has. Take those reins and lead because you deserve a life of greatness and pride!

 

 

February 3, 2017

“This is such an accomplishment!”

Hearing the phrases “You’ve come so far!”, “This is such an accomplishment”, and “I’m so proud of you” in theory should be rewarding and a sense of recovery. However, what if it feels uncomfortable and its hard to accept that recognition?

Recently, (after 2 years), I began competing again for my college in indoor track. This was obviously an exciting step forward and I am loving every minute of it. But…. the amount of recognition and praise is anxiety provoking for me. I have no idea how to take it because quite frankly I’m not sure if it is something that should be praised.

I have been struggling with the idea of seeing recovery as something that is an expectation of me rather than a great life accomplishment. Logically, I can tell myself that recovering from Anorexia is hard work and that I should give myself a little break. However, lately the perfection piece has had a firm grasp on my path to recovery.

I want so badly to keep every aspect in this tight, little perfect box. I somehow think that by doing this nothing in my life will get ugly, like it used to be. Again, logically I know this is untrue and life will always throw me curve balls.

I discussed this with my therapist not to long ago and she told me the phrase “Would you tell your friends from treatment that recovery isn’t a big deal?” “Would you tell them it is an expectation?” And OF COURSE I WOULDNT! Because seeing my friends recover and live extraordinary lives is what I pray for.

Maybe this is the starting point. Reminding myself that the little voice in my mind telling me recovery is no big deal, is that ugly voice that leads to self hate, starvation, and depression.

 

January 2, 2017

The Perfection Piece 

It’s not about being skinny.

It’s not about how “fit” or beautiful I can be. 

It’s about perfection and control. Drastically trying to hide all the imperfections, insecurities, and pain into one miserable and unhealthy body. 

My eating disorder was my security blanket for far too long. It allowed me to push down any unpleasant or grieving emotions… but to the point where I couldn’t feel anything but weakness. 

I struggle with the standard of always having it under control and organized. I want to do life perfectly and with grace. But let’s face it, life is boring without a few curve balls. 

So hear I am, letting the walls and barriers down. Emotions and allowing the feels is okay. I will not let anorexia take one more moment away. 

I’m Riles and I’m not doing life perfect and that’s okay. 

December 8, 2016

Life changes, hard decisions, and comparisons. 

This time of year it seems like everyone has new and exciting things coming their way. Whether it’s a job, graduation, or starting a new chapter with that special someone; everyone seems to be moving forward.

But, what happens when you have that feeling of being stuck. The feeling that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you and you’re sitting with that feeling of emptiness. What happens then?

Image result for eating disorder quotes

If you’re anything like me, you’re your worst self- critic. You over analyze anything and everything to find that source of productivity…. of success. And yet, as much as you stress and tell yourself you’re not enough, you still feel that sense of emptiness.

Could it possibly be that everyone’s life paths are different? That even though it feels like we are not moving forward, we are? Recovering is a full time job as it is. You cannot compare yourself to the people around you.

The grass always seems a bit greener on the other side and unfortunately looks can be deceiving. Everyone has something underneath the perfect surface that isnt going the way they planned. So stop, breath, relax, and look at how far YOU HAVE come.

 

November 12, 2016

Memories or Nightmares: the transformation

Looking back at old pictures brings back what many would call memories. But what if those stories bring up the nightmare that you were trapped in? What about those intense feelings that you had in those moments that you still can’t shake? What then? How can we appreciate our past when all we have is the pain that was associated with it? 

Recovery has brought me a lot of joy and pictures that I do like to look at. But when I go through my past pictures or this day I’m age when Facebook has to remind me of what I was doing 2 years ago, the thoughts of how sick I was is brought up. I begin to feel emotionally and physically ill and can’t contain the tears that I feel for my past self and for those that I hurt along the way. 

And of course the shame and disgust piece is brought in and I can’t believe I put myself and loved ones through that. Those pictures should be of happy and joyous moments but instead it is covered by fake smiles, unhealthy habits, and overall hatred towards myself. 

Maybe this is a part of recovery. Maybe this is the “remember the past so it doesn’t repeat itself”type of aspect. Forgiveness of myself is still a struggle and I don’t know if it will ever fully be there. But maybe recovery is holding on to those painful moments so you remember where you have been and how far you’ve come. Never would I have thought I would be in the place I am now from 2 years of pain.