I’m screaming loud.
As loud as I fucking can.
But you cant hear me.
Or can you and you aren’t listening?
I’m purposefully messing up, wanting you to say something
wishing desperately that you would see the pain that I’m in and help me.
But you don’t.
My body is dying for you to just notice.
Notice the tiny moments of struggle that turn into months of relapse
But you don’t.
My mind is wondering why you don’t care anymore
or even if you ever cared.
My mouth speaks words of light and recovery.
But these are just lies.
Lies that you believe and carry with you.
My feet keep running.
Running from the pain that wont leave.
But the only thing its running towards is loneliness.
My eyes go straight to the imperfections.
They analyze every detail and curve.
But do you notice?
I’m screaming loud.
As loud as I fucking can.
But you cant hear me.
I’m a co-dependent person. Some would classify me as a perfectionist, people- pleaser, and thrives to do things for others. Now most would say these traits are all great but unfortunately for my case I’m also an extremist.
I️ take many of my traits and go 100%. Which many times leads me to feeling sad, guilty, and angry at myself when I️ feel that I️ am not doing enough for people. That I️ am not enough. This black or white thought pattern is what drives my ED.
So what do you do when you feel all of these emotions at once? When it seems that no one is remotely pleased with you. That you can’t do enough for people. That you aren’t ever going to be enough.
This is where the eating disorder creeps in and tells you that behaviors numb the pain. They make people leave you alone. That it will help you.
But it’s wrong. You have to remember that you are not the cause.
Contributing and not being direct may enable a behavior but YOU and YOUR actions are NOT the cause. This is something I️ have to remind myself daily. I️ cannot apologize for what I️ think or how I️ feel. I️ can not control another’s actions and if they are unhappy it is NOT my job to fix it, unless I️ directly hurt them.
I️ think for many of us people pleasing is both a blessing and a curse. We can not control our loved ones and how they feel about us. We must just honor our feelings and control how we treat others.
Remember, the eating disorder is not the solution. This is a battle and you are a recovery warrior.
Go get em
I am not a resolution lady nor have I ever really been one. Why? Well I don’t want to hold myself to expectations for my own personal recovery purposes. You see I am a little bit of a perfectionist.. but who isn’t! With a new year brings many people constantly talking about improving themselves whether it be in there personal life, recovery, fitness, and so on.
So as I have been hearing all of this talk I think it is important for people in recovery or trying to obtain recovery to use the new year as a jumping point. There is no need to set the expectations high or to make these crazy, unattainable resolutions. The only thing that needs to be done is honor your progress and continue to set goals that are recovery focused.
For me, I need categories. Categories give me organization to simplify what needs to be done and where I can shift my focus. So this year I am setting an overall goal, monthly goals which include: mental, physical, and social goals. And then rewards for those goals. I will be updating with a blog post on these goals and the progress they have made. But please, be gentle with yourself. There is no need to shame yourself for either not obtaining your goals or losing sight of an over arching goal. PATIENCE IS KEY!
Over arching goal: Remind myself of the little moments of life. Honor the happy moments and remember why you started.
Mental: Relax, not everything is perfect. Blog at least once a week and be honest and open.
Physical: Honor the training and how your body feels with each day. DONT OVER DO IT!
Social: Surround myself with people that bring positivity. Reach out to those struggling and those in recovery.
What are some of your goals this year and month?
The holidays are supposed to bring families together and connected with memories. Although this year is different. You might be physically present but you aren’t mentally here with me. I’m trying to tell you that this pain you are bringing me is forcing me back into old habits…. but you don’t listen or seem to care.
On Christmas you left us. You left and didn’t even think twice about it. Why? Why is she better than us? Why don’t you love us like you used to? The thoughts of perfection and worth are at an all time high and yet you drop me like a sac of potatoes. Like I am trash and you are better off without us in your life. And maybe you are. Maybe we shouldn’t care as much as we do. Maybe we should treat you how you treat us.
I’m drowning in pain and depression and you couldn’t care any less. I wish you would see how your actions are tearing our family apart and drastic measures are in route. As we went to visit mom you didn’t even stay for 2 minutes. Why is that? Why is it that you are a completely different person and care giver than you were before? I miss you but I don’t think you miss me.
I see other families and how honest they are with each other. But you lie and your lies are turning your children against you. They are bringing out the worst in us and I’m fearful of where my mind and body are taking me. I hate to blame you, but maybe these drastic measures are the only way that you will see how much pain you are causing us.
Wow. It’s been a long time. It’s been months since I’ve wrote anything and SO much has changed. The past few months have felt like I’ve been hit by a semi and at hanging on by a thread.
This post is difficult for me to write. I️ am typically in a mode of telling you why recovery is so awesome and why everyone should love having their life back. But it’s not always easy. And lately life has been treating me as if I’m it’s punk, kid brother and that’s when the ED comes in to take you to the dark side.
If you have read my earlier posts you know that my mom died about 2.5 years ago suddenly from a brain aneurysm. Well, the past months my dad has started dating again and my brothers and I️ have not taken to it well. I️ wouldn’t say that it is the dating itself but it is how my dad is not being himself anymore. At times it feels like he is trying to shut us out and start over. To give it to you straight, he’s acting like he’s 14 again and doesn’t realize he has kids that need him.
Because of this the ED has been trying to pull me back in. I’m being sucked into thoughts of needing his approval by being thinner. To try and avoid body checking I️ get dressed in the dark because otherwise I️ can’t leave the house. Things aren’t perfect now and that’s frustrating to me.
M therapist continues to tell me that I️ don’t need to have “shoulds” and that being perfect is not the answer but ED tells me differently.
This blog is something that I’m reviving with more of an authentic and real life experience from someone who is desperately battling off those ED thoughts. I’ll be posting 2-4 times a week depending on what’s going on. But authenticity is the overall goal.
What do any of you do for moments of weakness and reoccurring behaviors from the ED that you experience?
Its been a long time since Ive published anything. Well written anything for that matter. Ive internalized a lot within the recent months and Ive noticed this has brought me moments of sadness, anxiety, and thoughts of relapse.
Recovery seems to be hard. It seems to be a time where the battle is held on by a string and can be easily cut and broken. When life doesnt seem to be playing fair or things just arent working out how they were anticipated, the eating disorder seems to try and comfort me. I feel this safety blanket with anorexia, especially in moments of despair and hopelessness.
But why am I writing this? Why am I writing about moments when relapse seems like a master mind of a plan?
Authenticity is something that I have been striving to work towards. Having authentic relationships, conversations, and moments with not just others but myself. I have found myself lying and having a ‘fake it till I make it’ mentality. This at first worked and acting happy sort of made me happy. Although, as weeks and months have passed I have grown to despise this person. Im not the type of person that is naturally an extrovert. I love being alone, reading, knitting, and not having to be around others is comforting to me. I miss this about myself, even though others would say otherwise.
So here I am, writing what my true self is thinking. I romanticize relapsing but I keep fighting.
Two years have gone by and the very thought of you still brings me to tears.
I can still hear your laugh and loving voice throughout the days of goodness and days of sorrow.
The 3-4 hour conversations are what I miss the most. I miss sharing secrets with you and talking endlessly about past memories and moments.
I still listen to the many voicemails that you left and cherish each one for how it represents our relationship.
Our relationship was so special. I never knew how great a mother could be to a daughter. You taught me so much about life and myself; I cant thank you enough.
Im still waiting for you to walk through the front door, hug me and never let go. Your kind and gentle gestures are what make you special. You always knew what to do and what to say to make moments a little easier.
Two years ago our lives changed forever. And even though I know in my heart you are still with us, I cant help but feel sad and lonely without you. I love you Mom.